And so as the night drifted on to the morning, i finished watching this odd film: Slipstream.  This was a very trippy film starring Anthony Hopkins with a supporting cast of Christian Slater, Michael Clarke Duncan, and some other names that I'm not quite familiar with nor am I going to do any further research on it.  This was not a common film at all.  It was written and directed by Anthony Hopkins as well as the music composed by Anthony Hopkins which for all who have seen Silence of the Lambs, he's a pretty fucked up dude and this film was pretty fucked up.  So I finished watching this film as I had started it before a long tripped out 4 hour nap that ran from about 6pm to 10pm.  After finishing this film I decided to give one of my experimental rolled cigarettes a try.  I had soaked a filer in Banana extract and wasn't too sure if it was all that great of an idea or if it would be really all that flavourful.  The filter upon drying did not seem to retain much of the banana extract and I was slightly worried as one of the ingredients in the extract was "Ethyl Alcohol 21%".  I was not too sure what the affects of inhaling smoke through a cigarette butt soaked in banana flavoured ethyl alcohol would be, but I figured in the spirit of experimentalism, I'd take it a little bit farther.  I rolled the cigarette with the filter that had been soaked and dried in this banana flavoured ethyl alcohol and after rolling it, went to the kitchen and soaked the paper and cigarette in a coconut flavoured ethyl alcohol.  Just running the lighter up and down the cigarette to dry it, I should've known better as it smelt of burnt coconut and sizzled ungratiously.  I sat for a minute and reviewed the list of instant play movies available and settled that I was going to watch Robert Rodriguez's "Planet Terror" installment of the recent Grindhouse flicks that had premiered here in Austin.  I hadn't seen it before and thought it couldn't be too bad so I pulled it up, put it on pause and went out the door with my experimental cigarette.  The cigarette had a faint faint coconut flavour to it which wasn't too unpleasant and lit up really quickly.  It burnt quickly too which is rare for well-rolled cigarettes that just contain tobacco.  As the cigarette burned and the neighbour that was outside made noises at his laptop as though he were masterbating in his mind, i felt my head starting to get rather woozy and started getting disoriented.  This feeling is still present and I'm starting to get slightly shaky.  I'm ready to say that the experiment was a failure as smoking a normal cigarette would not incurr such symptoms in a seasoned smoker.  Hopefully I won't contract some form of perminate lung failure for inhaling a cigarette soaked in "ethyl alcohol 21%".  This was probably stupidity on my part, I shoud've thought longr and harder about the consequences of soaking an inhalable item which will inevitably kill me in the long run with such a substance before actually doing so and experimenting.  But now I know.  Fuck it.  I know I've got a decent future ahead, I just don't like this feeling that's in my lungs... especially my right lung... the good lung.  Eh, live and let learn.   

It's been a long time since I've written if almost a month constitutes a long time.  I feel like I'm wandering between worlds right now, one that's normal... apathetic... and one that's full of sadness, guilt, and regret.  I hate that word: regret.  Maybe this is why the worlds are becoming blurred, the apathetic one is that of my own creation as a way to protect myself from that word.  The human mind is such a powerful thing and free will a potential curse.  When one has the ability to do what one pleases, one most always messes up. 

Silently part of me is shrugging, saying "it happens" and the other part is saying "why'd you let it happen?".  This delves into a self-discussion that is borderline narcissistic... to be so involved with one's self.  Just that alone adds a new world, one of anger.  These worlds envelope me, invite me in, share coffee and tell me their tales.  I already know their stories, they're the same stories that have been repeating for hours.  As these stories are told I try to make sense of everything that happened and most importantly why it happened.  Slipping into these worlds I feel that which I desire and want slowly slip away.  I feel new institutions coming on, perhaps more worlds to join the tea party, but is that what I want?  I see the vision of desire for the future, potentially only weeks away... these worlds tell me I won't have that vision, it won't be real.  They tell me nothing is real because reality is faded, burned away into the recesses of memory.  What are the fundamental necessities for a good, happy life?

Perhaps the future won't be as I see, perhaps the lines between what I should do and what I want to do cross and meet up, only time will tell.  At some stages I see myself in the woods, there's a shack that I live in all alone.  My beard touches my stomach and my hair even lower, now and again I walk a good ways.  On these walks I walk with a limp but I have a cane to steady myself... slowly I make my way to a small village.  These excursions happen about once a month.  I don't talk to a single person while in the village, nobody knows who I am, what I do, or anything about me.  Eventually I become invisible to them, they know my routine and so I just fade into the image of the buildings and various items strewn about the village.  Is that my fate?

The threat of invisibility seems daunting yet joyous.  I feel the need to be with people... to connect.  I imagine the reasoning stems from having people present in the world.  If I were invisible in an invisible society, perhaps the connection wouldn't be needed nor desired.  Perhaps the only loneliness I experience is created simply by having people existing around me.  People walking, talking, dancing, loving, kissing, hugging, laughing, crying... people are everywhere.  Does this create loneliness?  A feeling of having no one to walk with, talk with, dance with, love with, kiss with, hug with, laugh with, or cry with?  And yet I have some of those things... even random strangers, we walk on the same sidewalk at the same time, does this not constitute itself as "walking together?" 

My mind is frazzled, the light switch is off.  Brilliant shocks of electricity much like a Tesla coil spirals around inside my head.  Perhaps the human brain was the grand inspiration for the Tesla coil, they both operate very similarly.  I like watching the electricity shoot from segment to segment and engage in a seemingly chaotic premarital consummation.

I want that which I desire and desire that which I want... am I worth so much as to obtain that?  I believe nothing is real.  I fear I may end up that invisible man...